The lost; but, I know I’m never alone^^
Sometimes we wonder why something is happened at this moment. Why does it happen to me? Why me? But the real thing is that only God knows the exact answer and why are we chosen to confront this. Every people in this life have their own life journey, and this is mine. I accept it wholeheartedly. Whatever happens, I still have to face it with courage. Again, everything happens for a reason. Sooner or later we will know that something good is planned behind these. InsyaAllah. HE knows the best.
Being 21 years and 4 months has made me mature enough to think positively and accept the life test that is destiny to me. I believe in God; ALLAH is always with us. God will test us with something that we can endure with. HE always knows our limit. HE knows that we can take it and handle it with maturity and faith. Alhamdulillah, this is the way I have been brought up and I believe dad never wanted me to grieve but continue life as my future ahead is still far away. YES! I have to! I MUST! ^^
18 March 2010 was a date that brought one big history in my life. I lost one of the most important person in my life- my dad; ayah- at 4.50pm I got a phone call that said, “Ana, ayah dah tader”, my brother’s voice sound very pathetic and in controlled voice, “balik sekarang jugak, Ana”
Innalilllahi wa inna ilaihi raji’un. Certainly, from HIM we came, and to HIM we return.
And it was like, dang!! Something knocked my head and said ‘you don’t have dad anymore Ana’. For a second actually I didn’t know how to react and I simply couldn’t remember how I reacted at that moment. What I remember was that I answered to my bro, “ye, tgh pack things ni nak balik skrg la ni”. Then I turned off my phone. Few seconds later, I got another call from my sister, she said, “Ayah dah tader.” I heard she was crying. What was my respond just that I said, “I knew it, najib baru call td. I’m going back now”
My few friends were there; in my room. We were actually discussing the video project for Edu. Tech at that time—Lisa, Yana, Shan and Jessie— these are the people who were with me when I got that very unexpected news.
Then, what I remember was, I turned to my friends and said, “Ayah aku dah tader.” I still remember their all faces were shocked. I seriously didn’t know how I reacted at that time. I didn’t cry but I knew there were tears as Lisa caressed my back to calm myself. I remember that moment clearly. As yana’s eyes also got tears, I saw that. She was wearing her tudung that time. Shan and Jess were just quite as maybe they also just like me, shocked. I was. I was freaking shocked to know the reality I am ‘anak yatim’ now. Dad has finally left me to another ‘alam yang kekal’. I have never expected he’ll leave me this soon. But, it’s okay. I’ll pray his soul be blessed. Semoga roh arwah ayah diberkati, dirahmati dan ditempatkan dikalangan orang2 mukmin. Amin..Insyaallah..
They sent me until the LRT sg.besi and then I went straight to Pekeliling. I thank to yana for driving me there. Babe, I know u would say, and all of you would say, “no mention la, we are frens right?” I knew and I’m really glad for knowing you guys. Seriously I am.^^
I knew my eyes were like a bit bengkak and merah2. I didn’t cry, but the tears just came out, sometimes, and out of sudden, especially whenever I got calls from my friends. Farah Asmaq was the first person I texted and when she called me I was just speechless and couldn’t speak much. The memories with dad suddenly came and replay right in front my eyes. I could feel it and remember the time which was last time I saw him, he looked better, and sometimes looked worst. He looked so unstable sometimes. I never thought of dad will leave me this soon, seriously I always hope there would be a chance for me seeing ayah back to himself as before. But….
My bus was at 6.30pm and during that time, both my phones just couldn’t stop ringing and receiving msgs. I received so many condolences and prayers for my dad. News spread so fast till I was pretty wondering who did spread the news to my former english teacher, Teacher Rosaliza, as she also texted me. But, however, I thank to them who always be right here with me even it was just a msg and a call, but the remembrance is the most important. Thank you everyone,^^ Always know that I syg you all v.very much^^
At this time, I realize who were my real friends, the people who care for me and who were not. Seriously, I am. I could feel that. I knew I never be alone…
Oh ya, I arrived home around 9.40pm something, but ayah dah selamat dikebumikan. When I called my bro to fetch me at the bus stop nearby, Amir said, “baru je siap kebumi and betul2 baru smpai umah waktu ko call td”
And I just remain in silence in the car until reached home.
I saw loads people at home, I met my mum, salam her hands. She hugged and kissed me and said sorry cos couldn’t wait for me. jenazah terus kebumi right after isyak. And I just said nothing, nodding head and went to toilet for a while. I looked people around me, but at that time seriously, I still like that, remain pretending strong.
Then, I ate nasi as I hadn’t eaten whole day, just took lunch that day.
My mind was just like nothing inside. And what was my feeling? I didn’t even know how to describe..
Ape pon aku memahami, ayah penah berkata, tak perlu la tunggu all of us gathered baru nak tunggu kebumikan, kalau boleh buat segera. Dan itulah yang berlaku. Aku tak terkilan dengan pemergian ayah sebab melalui kata2 semua ayah pergi dengan sangat tenang, segala urusan ayah juga dipermudahkan. Alhamdulillah, bila dengar tu aku rasa sangat bersyukur.
Walaupon aku sorang sahaje yang tader waktu tu, tapi I knew dad would understand me. Last time on that Monday morning I salam him before went back to UKM and told my dad while holding his shoulder, “ayah makan ubat ye nak cepat baik”. He looked at me and nodded his head. I could clearly remember his face at that time as he lay down on the ‘kerusi malas’. That was two days before dad passed away on Thursday after asar. If only I knew that was my last time, I would not come back to UKM. But I knew it was just inevitable cos I have two presentations to do on wednesday and thursday morning.
I feel doubt and don’t know what to do sometimes when facing these two separate things. Family is the priority, but I can’t simply leave my work especially when it related to group work, I’m not a person yang akan simply2 lepas tangan with my works. But, when it happens, I have to. “Sorry girls, cos I have to trouble you with my part”
To all my dearest ever friends, I just want to let you all know that I’m really2 glad for having such considerate, caring, and kind friends like you all, seriously. I feel like having so many people who love and care for me undoubtedly, boundlessly. So many people around that I can count on when I face problem. So, should I show I’m weak in front of them, after they have given and shown me lofty hope, support and encouragement?
I don’t think I should be sad for whatever has happened but appreciate with things I have around me. Therefore, I should be strong!
Even though I lost dad, but still I have mom; ‘mak’, my siblings; 3 big brothers, ‘Din’,’Amir’ and ‘Najib’ who love cari gaduh with me all the time, my sisters, ‘kak long’, ‘kak gee’ , younger sis, ‘Fatin’ and countless friends who really care for me. I appreciate for what I have now, and I always know that I’m never alone^^ Luv ya all! Muakzz!
with lots of love;
ANA = Always Never Alone^^
: : AL-FATIHAH : :
p/s: je t’aime mon famille et mon amis^^